91勛圖

Give and take: 91勛圖 researcher says its crucial for couples to talk about their needs

Portrait of Rebecca Horne
Rebecca Horne, a PhD student at 91勛圖 Mississauga, is studying sacrifice in romantic relationships and is currently collecting data on couples who relocate for a partner's job, and how relationships change as a result (photo by Drew Lesiuczok)

When is the last time you and your partner had a heart-to-heart about your respective needs and how they are being met? A 91勛圖 researcher, whose work focuses on sacrifice in romantic relationships, is encouraging couples to have that talk.

Open discussions about needs generally is crucial to relationships, which may sound really silly and obvious, but I think its quite striking how little we know about our own needs or our partners needs, and the best way we can go about meeting each others needs, says Rebecca Horne, a PhD student in psychology at 91勛圖 Mississauga.

Relationships are often built on give and take. That might mean watching a movie one partner wants to see or choosing a restaurant one partner prefers. But sometimes those little sacrifices can be much larger. Someone might give up their goals, their job or even their friends for their partner.

The impact those bigger sacrifices have is the focus of Hornes research. She is currently collecting data on couples who relocate for one partners job and examining how relationships change as a result. She plans to follow 150 couples over a period of one year.

Her current project is an extension of a paper she co-authored , which takes this idea of sacrifice a step further and examines what consistently putting the needs of a partner before ones own needs has on relationship satisfaction.

The key reason people in long-term relationships continue to give, even if its detrimental to them personally, is because they get some relational benefit, Horne says, noting its a tradeoff between personal well-being and relationship well-being. Whether thats good or bad depends on the person, she says.

It is important for people to reflect on the type of supporter they tend to be when in a relationship, how they meet their partners needs and in what ways they like to meet their own needs, Horne says.

Is it in line with how you like to give care and support, or do you find it exhausting or overburdening? she asks. Does it work well for you or not?

Doing things for a partner one might not do for themselves might be good for the relationship to some extent, but partners should be mindful of the boundaries of such giving behaviour and determine if there are some needs being neglected, Horne says.

Perhaps a couple hasnt done something one partner wants to do for a long time. That partner needs to decide if they are OK with that, if theres a reason this has happened, or if its a pattern thats developing in the relationship, Horne explains. And if it is a pattern, then the partner needs to assess if they are comfortable with that.

Its really about taking stock of how support and care is playing out in a romantic relationship, in a more explicit way, so certain patterns and routines dont become set in stone and set you on a trajectory you dont really want to be on, Horne says.

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